The executive coach at work was discussing coaching technique with me today, and we came across an interesting topic. “How,” I asked, “do you stop yourself from taking responsibility for the failure of a client?”
“Well,” she responded. “You can’t judge the success of a client by your own standards – you need to measure their development in the context of their own abilities and perceptions, as well as a great number of variables. Similarly, you can’t view a failure (if indeed it is a true failure) as a reflection of your own abilities. As a coach, you need to act with integrity, honesty and the best intentions – that is all you get to control. As long as you have done that, you can be proud of your work and what they do with the coaching is entirely up to them.”
I think this is very wise.
I spend a lot of time second-guessing decisions I’ve made, wondering what-if and kicking myself for things I have no business taking responsibility for. I can’t help but be curious about what might have happened and wonder what role I played in making the present reality come about. For all the gymnastic exercise it affords my mind, it’s a nasty habit that’s exceptionally hard to break, and occasionally sends me spiralling into the dark depths of gloomy self-reflection.
As I rapidly approach the end of my twenties, I’m seized by a desire to throw myself bodily into the realms of living a full and juicy life, into new experiences, to fearlessly confront and dare to imagine bold and reckless and ultimately enlivening things, and yet the idea frightens me. Experience is a two-edged sword – valuable, insightful, stimulating and educational, certainly, but also heartbreaking, painful, disturbing and confusing.
What if I had stayed in London?
What if I hadn’t gone to France?
What if I had waited – not for the first job, but for the perfect job?
What if I hadn’t sent that email – the one that seemingly set a long chain of dazzling and cataclysmic events in motion?
What if I hadn’t said those things – or gave up – or moved out – or decided I would end the relationship?
At some point surely you have to stop wondering and torturing yourself over decisions you have no earthly way of knowing the true consequences of.
Sometimes it’s hard not to let fear or insecurity get the better of you, but as long as you act bravely, with honesty, authenticity and a certain degree of self-awareness, I don’t believe you can ever truly regret. When I think about the decisions that haunt me, the only ones I’d still dearly like to change are those I made without these. Young and foolish I was and still am in many ways, but as I weigh the pain of heartbreak and disappointment against remaining open-hearted and honest, I realise with startling clarity that I can forgive a multitude of sins if they were committed with integrity, honesty and the best intentions.
As she said, you only get to control so much. As for the rest, you can only seek to behave in a way that will make you proud of yourself.
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